Anyhow, today I was once again confronted with why I'm having a difficult time with the church on somedays. It was embodied in one Boyd K. Packer. Everytime I hear him speak it just makes me feel awful. Not because he's condemned something I've done or am doing, but because he seems to represent all the things that made me leave in the first place. Maybe i'm just not seeing the big picture. Maybe it's me misinterpreting. But every time he goes off on the "Homosexual lifestyle" I want to punch him in the spleen. Look, if that's what he believes that fine, but to discuss the topic with such a lack of empathy, a lack of any understanding, a lack of love, just hurts me on a spiritual level.
As I posted over at FMH, I count on the church to be a place that adds to who I am as a person, and in return I add to it by bringing my caring and my personality (Not to mention money). Every time I hear messages like this that are so negative and condemning of people in general It just makes me want to leave the church all over again, but this time not look back.
I like going to church I like the people I meet there, I like so much about it. But if these are the messages that people are given and then applying in their lives because they're told to "tow the line" or that going against the council of church leaders makes them apostate, then how can I be a part of that community? I like so much of my church and my ward, how does one reconcile these things? Is a large part of surviving when my "ethics" or "morals" don't match up just turning a blind eye to these things or just walling that off for now? Wouldn't that hurt both me and my growth within the church even more? I'm filled with questions. Ones that even my more "liberal" friends in the ward are uncomfortable with asking or talking about. Where does one get answers when everything seems so unsure...? If he's really "speaking for God" then I guess my bits of personal revelation have been really off, because that's not the way god speaks to me.
Ayuda me.
